Tig-sulat pud baya ko…

I think some people are born to arouse the monster in you.  Even worse would be to make a devil out you, minus the Prada to boot.

But I want to look at all these with a different light.  My fingers are crossed (and I don’t normally do that) in hope that this season will end with a big surprise.  Maybe these people who are raised in hell are simply playing good actors, conniving to loosen your bolts in the nut. Sometimes, I would want to have this ordeal end with Bitoy or Ashton coming out to surprise you with hidden camcorders and coverted microphones. 

Maybe a better wish would be having a Dr. Buddy Rydell to pester me around.  But no.  Reality is, what I am going through is for real and there is no hyped psychological treatment going on.  No, not even a taping.

So there. I am angry–"implosively" angry.  Why? No details needed here but the point is, I am angry.  And this blog is my therapist.

No relief yet, though.

I am infuriated.

I just don’t know for some reason why.  Well, actually, I know why. I just don’t like the idea that despite my efforts to make things work, there are just some people (er, it’s not about the people, it’s the system) who don’t know when a simple word of appreciation is much needed.

You do something great for them–I repeat, GREAT–and a simple thing you mishandled due to some lack of tenacity and well, some systems that didn’t work out, and there, the weight is on your shoulders.  The fingers point to you.

Well, some people. I mean some systems.

And like an actor on the verge of retirement is asked to perform one last act, I was asked to do the task, to do an "extra effort" on something to happen, something to accomplish, something to finish. As if it is the price to pay for leaving.

"One last effort" –I hate that phrase.  Like I don’t care anymore ‘coz I’m going off to a far better habitat.  "One last effort"–sounding much like saying you won’t care about us anyway.  "One last effort"–like a lamb to slaughter for the redemption of all.

And you think I wouldn’t notice.  I can read the question on my capacity.  I was the soft manager and I never cease to be.  I have always established that facade without any effort of pretending.  I have always played the Courage, the cowardly dog, ‘coz that’s me–never assertive, never choleric. 

But then, I have always delivered.  In most cases, I get what I want.  There is no right for you to question what I am capable of.  I looked at all you people who would be partaking in the molding of great leaders with high esteem. I have high respect for you but how dare you come up to me and say things that question my capacity? 

I need no recognition and I don’t need to prove myself. But I hope you appreciated the effort I have exerted to deliver things for you.  I know my operational knowledge would be limited in comparison to the veteran experience you have.  But I was placed here because I was deemed to possess that competency of raising the bar to the next level. I was placed here to be your aide, consultant, partner.  That’s one thing you cannot undo.

I was called to serve, grow, and deliver. 

That’s what I did.

That’s what I am doing. 

That’s what I’m going to do.

Wow, we are on the fast lane.  I think I have to start making my ‘07 strategy list (yeah, it’s a resolution list). Starting off with my bod to boot.

My body is perhaps liking the way I treated it now.  This is not pampering but more of giving it what it really deserves.  I just started a not-so-amazing health routine, though in my case, this is a breakthrough.

Lemme give you a brief.  I am thin. There. That’s your brief.

All right, here are the details to spill.  I am 22 years old and I am lanky for my age–overboard lanky.  I have a 27" waist line which is always a struggle when I shop for khaki pants, well, any pair for that matter.  I weigh a 115 lbs. which is a bit of a lightweight for my height of 5′7".  I don’t have any disorder I’d like to believe because I don’t tickle my tonsil just to vomit.  I don’t look at the mirror and say to myself that I am getting fat.  That’s silly.  I wanna beef-up.

So what breakthrough am I doing?  Two things.

1) For almost two weeks now, I’m starting to go to bed as early as 10:00 pm but not later than 12 MN.  Not significant? Well, that’s coming from a regular 3:00 AM knockdown.  My body is sighing with relief with this new doses of dozes.

2) I’m having more water intake now.  More water than usual.  Before, I only get to remember water on regular meals.  This is making me feel the ooze of sweat and urine more often (Heck, sorry for being gross), but it’s healthier this way.  More trips to the dispenser (and the rest room in effect) meant cleansing, right?

As I try to celebrate life at this latter part of the year, I try to kick off my bad habits. I maybe starting slow but I am on my way to a healthy lifestyle, hopefully, in ‘07.

I still have a long list but trust me, little by little I’m gonna go somewhere.

Must-win battles:

1) Eat breakfast more often.

2) Eat veggies…more greens.

3) More carb…more protein.

4) HerbaLife® Weight Gain program.

5) Hit the gym to firm up.

So far, on my physical development, I’m weeks early.

 

I am developing multiple personalities.  Perhaps,it’s brought about by the trainings on adaptability. Sometimes, I feel like I’m a customized machine, tailored-fit to cater to particular needs. Perhaps, it’s plain pretence.  Sometimes it’s like: "Smile like you are keeping your cool. Ooopps, don’t purse the lips, there. Smile. Let the eye twinkle in delight. Keep your cool, There. Done!" Now shout "Arrrgh!"

On some occasions, it’s like: "You’re strong. Nah-ah, don’t be intimidated. Show some fierce blood. Frown. Yep, that’s it. You delivered your point. Don’t smile. Dart your stare. Snap!"

Then, in a flash it struck me. Due to life’s demands, I am now in limbo trying to fathom that "self" I missed.  I know I am becoming more of a monster now. But I know God is working out on me to become the best craft I can be–for His glory, for a life enjoyed in Him.

So there.

A few Sundays back I was listening to Pastor Joe’s message on GRACE and it struck me.  At this point in life I’ve come to realize that I have been tossing from being a license to being a legalist.  Why am I swaying?  Maybe to please others, to avoid controversy, to justify my wrongs.

At this time of confusion, I’d ask, "Who am I, really?"

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Who am I?

That the Lord of all the earth,

Would care to know my name,

Would care to feel my hurt,

Who am I?

That the Bright and Morning Star,

Would choose to light the way,

For my ever wandering heart,

Not because of who I am,

But because of what You’ve done,

Not because of what I’ve done,

But because of who You are,

I am a flower quickly fading,

Here today and gone tomorrow,

A wave tossed in the ocean,

A vapor in the wind,

Still You hear me when I’m calling,

Lord, You catch me when I’m falling,

And You’ve told me who I am…

I am Yours.

Who am I?

That the eyes that see my sin

Would look on me with love

And watch me rise again.

Who am I?

That the voice that calmed the sea,

Would call out through the rain,

And calm the storm in me.

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Thank God, I got the answer…

Thanks for sending us off, Ad.  Your liking to this song is contagious.

_________

In another lifetime
Gary Valenciano

I could hold on for a hundred years
When all else is gone
I would still be here
In a memory of things yet unseen
I’d remember all that we’ve never been
And I cannot wait to see
What life has in store for me

[chorus]
In another lifetime
It would be forever
In another world
Where you and I
Could be together
In another set of chances
I’d take the one’s I’d missed
And make you mine
If only for a time
My life would matter
In another life

And I’d stay as strong and I’d stay as true
And you’d have forever now to think it through
Coz I believe what wasn’t meant to be
Wasn’t meant for now and
Someday you’ll see
In a place and time we never know
I’d be standing there waiting for you
[Repeat Chorus]

[Bridge]
You would be mine
But until that time is now
I’d be holding on somehow
[Repeat Chorus]

[Coda]
But until that time
I’ll be holding onto forever
Until another life